I feel lost
Simultaneously confronted with a thousand possibilities
When in actuality, I am completely confined
I used to feel like the world was so full of opportunity, that I was capable of enacting change and having an impact. Now I just feel like a premature spinster.
I have abandoned and yet I am the one abandoned.
I wish I could speak to my former self, that girl celebrating her 20th birthday at her favorite restaurant with her broken family. I wish I could tell her not to lose her verve. I wish I could tell her not to pine over love so much. To live more intentionally. To seek more purpose earlier on in life.
I know I am still relatively young, but I feel as if I’m running out of time. I feel like I’ve lost all of the most important years of my life. True, the future is vast, but each time you make a decision it limits the choices you’ll have down the road, and I sure have done a good job at limiting my options.
I have no idea what I want. I feel like my heart is poisoned, my thoughts polluted. Most of the time I want to hide. I feel enraged and demure all at once. I feel so alone, no where and no one to pour out these feelings to.
I know I had someone. But even when I had him, it felt like he wasn’t there. It was real and fake all at once. He sought me out and we had a life together, but it was all a secret. I wasn’t worthy. I was like some scar on his past, not a present entity, but a shadow. He never seemed to be able to move past what had happened. He wanted me around at night but not out in the daylight where others could see.
I just want to feel like I have some meaning, like I am whole again. I want to feel like I have a purpose. Like I am worthy of being loved. Somewhere inside me is a voice whispering that I deserve to be loved wholly and unconditionally, but a thousand louder voices boom back that no one as twisted, paranoid and vile as me could deserve such things.
I wanted you to accept me. Now I don’t think I can even accept myself.