I feel lost

Simultaneously confronted with a thousand possibilities

When in actuality, I am completely confined

I used to feel like the world was so full of opportunity, that I was capable of  enacting change and having an impact.  Now I just feel like a premature spinster. 

I have abandoned and yet I am the one abandoned.

I wish I could speak to my former self, that girl celebrating her 20th birthday at her favorite restaurant with her broken family.  I wish I could tell her not to lose her verve.  I wish I could tell her not to pine over love so much.  To live more intentionally.  To seek more purpose earlier on in life. 

I know I am still relatively young, but I feel as if I’m running out of time.  I feel like I’ve lost all of the most important years of my life.  True, the future is vast, but each time you make a decision it limits the choices you’ll have down the road, and I sure have done a good job at limiting my options.

I have no idea what I want.  I feel like my heart is poisoned, my thoughts polluted.  Most of the time I want to hide.  I feel enraged and demure all at once.  I feel so alone, no where and no one to pour out these feelings to. 

I know I had someone.  But even when I had him, it felt like he wasn’t there.  It was real and fake all at once.  He sought me out and we had a life together, but it was all a secret.  I wasn’t worthy.  I was like some scar on his past, not a present entity, but a shadow.  He never seemed to be able to move past what had happened.  He wanted me around at night but not out in the daylight where others could see.

I just want to feel like I have some meaning, like I am whole again.  I want to feel like I have a purpose.  Like I am worthy of being loved.  Somewhere inside me is a voice whispering that I deserve to be loved wholly and unconditionally, but a thousand louder voices boom back that no one as twisted, paranoid and vile as me could deserve such things. 

I wanted you to accept me.  Now I don’t think I can even accept myself.


Untitled #227 by the59thstreetbridge

Barn weddings <3

Detail of Vincent van Gogh’s Starry Night (1889)

A dream.

♡ My blog’s for all you sad and lonely teens (following back similar) ♡